You know what? I've been doing some thinking. A lot of thinking, actually. And I've decided that I'm sooooo tired of being upset, overwhelmed, stressed, frustrated, and sad almost every day lately. So I'm gonna stop. What a concept, just stop. I've let myself become so saturated with negativity over the last few years, being overwhelmed with all of my mommy duties, and feeling sorry for myself that I have to constantly clean up after hubby, the kids, etc in addition to working full time and so forth. I'm tired of being sad and mad that I'm not like I used to be...with a positive outlook, a skinnier body, and everything going my way in life. It's a vicious cycle really, being sad/mad that I'm not just makes me more sad/mad. And really, in the large scheme of things, does it really matter if hubby left his cereal bowl on the table, or if the boys left toys on the living room floor again? Is it really worth my effort and added stress to get upset about it? I'm letting go. I don't want to look back on my life and see wasted YEARS spent being upset, stressed and angry. I don't want my kids to remember a mommy that was always frustrated and ready to yell at any given moment. I don't want my husband to remember his wife as an unhappy woman who could only see the things he didn't do just right. It stops right now. Mostly I'm doing it for my own sanity. I need to feel happy. I need to feel peace. I need to get on the path to reclaiming myself and my happy life instead of sitting there pissed off while my happy life goes down the drain. Because this is not out of my control. I can do something about most of these things. No, I can't make hubby do the things I think he should. No, I can't keep the boys from making huge messes where it's just been cleaned. No, I can't just snap my fingers and make everything better. But what I *can* do is change my attitude, accept that things are never gonna be exactly as I think they should, give hubby some slack, give the boys some slack, and give myself some slack. I've become so wrapped up in how things aren't fair, and how my happiness is suffering because of everyone else. But I can choose to be happy anyway. I can do things to make others happy. I don't have to make everyone else miserable just because I feel miserable. And maybe if I do all I can to make others happy, they will feel happier too. And I am definitely a pleaser, so if others are happy with me, I will be happier. I know that.
So, I'm on a mission. I'm going back and taking the other path. I took a wrong turn somewhere and I'm making it right. I'm going to play with my kids instead of wishing they'd go find something to do. I'm going to be a loving wife and not focus on hubby's short-comings (and I certainly have many of my own as well!). I'm going to do things just because they make someone happy. I'm going to focus on what I can do to make hubby happy, instead of getting upset when he makes me sad. I'm going to do things that make me happy, even if it's not exactly what others think I should do. I'm going to do dishes, laundry, and clean the house as best I can with the time I have and not worry if it doesn't get done right away due to things not going right, and try not to even think about why I'm the only one doing it. I'm going to smile more and stress less. I'm going to look for ways for our family to do more things together. I'm going to make sure the special people in my life know I think they're special. I'm going to try to live the life I want to live. I used to live that kind of life, so I know it is possible. So I'm on a journey.
This weekend was so nice. Why? Because I have already started that journey and it feels soooo good. We walked in our woods down to our creek 3 times this weekend, just because we wanted to. All of us- Joe, me, and the boys. We skipped rocks in the creek and laughed when we messed up. When Brendan asked to go back outside right as it was getting dark, I said "sure" instead of no. When he asked Daddy to play tag with him and Joe said "not now" I jumped in and said "I'll play tag with you" and you should have seen that little boy's face light up with joy and the shocked look on Joe's face too! As I headed out the door with Brendan as the sun was going down I turned real quick, tagged him, said "you're it!" and ran off around the porch. We played for awhile and we inspired Joe to come out and play too. So we had a family game of tag- even Adam (age 2) played, running around laughing mostly. You know what? It was fun. The next day we played frisbee and I pushed the boys on the swingset. I made a point all weekend to hug and kiss Joe more often. I acted like someone in love should. I smiled at him for no reason. I tried to make him feel like I loved and appreciated him- just because. And acting happier, made me feel happier.
Joe and I watched a movie together after the boys went to bed. The Notebook. Wow, talk about good timing for watching that movie. It kinda validated that what I'm trying to do is worth it. Joe and I are the couple that our friends see as the strongest couple. I'm sure they expect us to be like that couple in The Notebook when we're old. (only hopefully minus the dementia!). But seriously, we have a love that is strong and we are in it for the long haul. Our friends that have known us from the beginning have frequently showed signs of jealousy of our relationship and wished theirs was as good. We are the couple that everyone in our circle of friends assumes will last. People who have known me for just the last few years don't know that side of us as well, but our long-term friends do. And when I stopped complaining long enough to remember that, well, it just seems silly the things I've let bother me over recent years.
So, I'm starting the journey back to my happy life. I'm on a mission to live by one of my favorite sayings: Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much.