Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Being stressed out really sucks!

Why can't I hold it together? I use to be so good at handling stress, now I'm a basket case! Last night Joe worked late (again), and I was in charge of all the after-work through bedtime responsibilities (as is the case most of the time!). Getting home from work is my least favorite time of day...isn't that horrible? After picking the boys up at daycare, we have a 20 minute drive home, in which I listen to constant noise noise noise- whether he's mad or happy, Brendan is just plain loud, and usually he is constantly touching and poking and squealing at Adam the entire ride. Usually Adam is delighted with this and returns Brendan's squeals with loud squeals of his own. Other times Brendan goes too far and accidentally hurts Adam, and then there's a baby screaming while I'm driving and trying to find out from Brendan what happened, and if it was something Brendan did "wrong", how do you discipline while driving? Yesterday Adam cried and I asked Brendan why Adam was crying and Brendan said "because I punched him". WHAT?! (not hard, but still!) So I sternly got after Brendan and told him to never do that again, etc, etc. (I'm trying not to spank as much) Get home, and get the boys out of the car, try to gather up the mail and my stuff from work while carrying Adam and stumble up to the house. It's almost 100 degrees, and so humid, and I do not handle heat well anyway. With Adam in one arm, and all my stuff in the other I fumble to get the door unlocked, finally go inside. I put Adam in his feeding chair (we never did buy a highchair), and he starts crying. So I try to hurry & get his food out so he can see I'm feeding him, not leaving him (separation anxiety kicking in these days). Meanwhile Brendan is pointing out the obvious saying "Mommy, Adam is crying, Mommy can you get Adam, Mommy I want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, Mommy Adam is hungry, Mommy I don't think Adam likes his chair, Mooommmmmyyyyy." Finally sit to feed Adam his baby food, and eventually make Brendan his sandwich, then clean up Adam. By then I have to pee so bad I'm about to burst, so I put Adam on the floor with some toys and run to the bathroom with him screaming because I put him down. Brendan: "Mommy Adam is crying, Mommy can you get Adam." Just a minute, geez! Mommy needs to pee! Pee as fast as I can, run back in the living room and sit down on the floor to try to entertain Adam. The evening continues similar to this, and around 7:30 Adam is tired and even more fussy...time for his "night-night bottle". Fix his bottle, sit down with him and feed him. He falls asleep- Whew! Now I can give Brendan his bath (or so I thought). Run bath water, and after a few minutes of "I don't want to take a bath, I'm not dirty, I want to play" I finally get Brendan in the tub. Get him washed up, and as usual he wants to play in the tub w/ his bath toys for a few minutes. Okay, good, laundry room is right next to bathroom so I start folding laundry and then "WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAA", Adam is awake and screaming. Run upstairs and get Adam, rock him for a little bit, he goes back to sleep. Run back downstairs to retrieve Brendan out of the tub, but he wants to play more. Fine. 1 more minute. I go back to getting clothes out of the dryer. Get 2 shirts folded and then "WWWWAAAAAAAAAAAA" Adam is awake AGAIN! Go into the bathroom and pull Brendan out of the tub, and quickly put his frog robe on him, meanwhile he's once again saying "Mommy Adam is crying, Mommy Adam is awake, Mommy go get Adam" UGH! I KNOW! So I tell Brendan to go in his room and dry himself off and put on jammies. I run back upstairs, get Adam, this time he does not want to be rocked. Give up. Take him downstairs. It is now almost 9pm, Joe is still not home yet, Brendan is still naked having become sidetracked from getting his jammies, Adam is fussy & tired and so am I. Fix Adam another bottle, as I'm at a loss as to what else to do for him. Sit down on couch again and feed Adam. Tears running down my face. This is getting really old. No, it's not a big deal, none of that stuff is a big deal by itself, but all added together and night after night after night after night in addition to other stress, is just about to push me over the edge. So I'm sitting there feeding Adam with tears rolling down my face and Joe gets home right as Adam falls back asleep. 9:45pm I put Adam back in his crib, and we finish getting Brendan in bed. By then I'm so drained I just can hardly function. I ask Joe to cut back his evening job. He doesn't really need it, and he doesn't even like it. (He delivers pizzas 2 nights a week after his regular day job). Even on the nights he doesn't work there, he either gets home fairly late from his day job or even if he is at home, he is outside working on something he wants/needs to do, so I'm still inside trying to do everything for the boys basically every evening, and on the weekends too. This has GOT to change! I cannot do this alone. At least not right now- stress is too high, and I'm sleep deprived and emotionally depleted. I should be able to handle this...other moms do...but for some reason I'm not handling it well. I have a hard time asking for the help I need, and I told him that last night. And I told him I need more help. And I told him that when I do ask for help and he doesn't do it, then I don't want to keep asking again because I don't want to sound like I'm nagging. He's a good guy, he really is, and he seemed to be genuinely concerned, and like he did want to help. I think he just has no idea what it's like. And maybe I've got a touch of post-partum depression or something too, who knows. It's so frustrating, and I don't like the person I've become. I need to make changes. I need him to make changes too. I don't want to wish away my kids' childhoods! I don't want to resent being a mom, I want to enjoy it and have fun. But I don't always know how. I feel like I'm constantly taking care of everyone else, and no one is taking care of me. I need someone to look out for me sometimes, and a soft place to fall.

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