Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Backwards slide

Whoa! Okay, so trying to force myself to be happy & positive didn't exactly work for long. I had a big backslide over the weekend, Monday, & Tuesday. I think my hormones are still screwed up from having a baby, and it makes things seem like such a big deal. I'm torn with what to do, because on one hand I think I should be communicating my feelings and things that I'm not happy about to Joe (isn't communication important?), but on the other hand, it makes him feel like he's in the "hot seat" when I mention things and that makes him feel worse. We had a pretty in depth talk last night, and tried to find what each other thought the problems were. He is so hung up on the money issue he can't even answer any of my questions without it being an answer about money. We don't have a lot of debt, there's about $3,000 on our credit card right now. Yes, I agree that we of course need to pay it, and yes it is important to make smart spending choices. But it absolutely consumes him. He doesn't want me or us to do anything until it is paid, and then he doesn't want us to do anything until we save up for the addition, and then he doesn't want us to do anything until that is paid, and then he doesn't want us to do anything until we have a surplus. That's all well & good in an ideal situation, but we obviously have to buy groceries, gas, and household things, and then there's this thing called life! I don't believe in sitting around waiting for conditions to be perfect before doing anything. I have faith that everything will work out, and it always has. We usually pay off the credit card every month, we just got behind a little over the last 6 months after the unpaid part of my maternity leave. Even when we didn't have any credit card debt, Joe was still the same, saying we shouldn't go on vacation and we shouldn't spend money on anything. It's a no-win situation. So even after the debt is paid, it's not like his money anxieties will disappear. We *are* paying off the $3,000 and to me I don't see the point in letting it consume our every thought & action in the meantime. Especially when I have so many other things that are stressing me out already.

But anyway, we also talked about how neither of us feel like we have any time to get things done around the house, and how sometimes I need help but that takes time away from when he wants to be getting work done outside, etc. And I tried to let him know that a lot of my anxiety comes from me being frustrated with myself about losing the last of the baby weight, and never having time to declutter the basement, and trying to keep things clean only to have them messed up again right away, not having enough me time, not enough sleep and juggling the kids and their needs along with my own. I also told him that it hurts my feelings when he doesn't take the time & effort to remember me on birthdays, Valentine's, and holidays, etc. He usually doesn't even get me a card or anything, sometimes he'll say he owes me a dinner out or something, but it never happens. It's not that I want expensive gifts or anything like that, I just wish he could do something to show me he cares & thinks about me. It's like a slap in the face to not have Valentine's & my birthday celebrated or acknowledged. That was the one issue that he totally agreed with my point, and he apologized and said he is usually just disorganized and doesn't think ahead about things like that.

He also pointed out that he wanted to go back to working at Domino's some evenings/weekends, because that is his way of contributing a little extra to the debt, and makes him feel like he's working towards it. That's fine. I just wanted him to help more with the boys in the evening and not be gone EVERY evening, but a couple times a week is fine. Adam is finally getting a little more independent, so it should be getting easier. It was just so hard when he had to be tended to every waking moment, in addition to Brendan needing things, dinner, baths, feedings, etc. Now he can play more, crawl around, and sometimes even watch Baby Einstein videos! So things are becoming easier in the evenings, and I won't be needing an extra set of hands as much.

There was a lot more discussing and things we talked about, but this is getting too long! The important thing is, that we both agreed to try harder to not be so critical of each other and to bear with each other. And we are going to try to do more things as a couple again too. We are establishing a once-a-month date night starting in September. And Joe himself even said that we need a vacation- just the two of us. I agree! Not a big vacation, but maybe we can get the grandparents to watch the boys for a couple days and we go camping and on a float trip. We use to do that all the time, it's our favorite thing to do together. So, I think things will be fine. (And hopefully my hormones will straighten back out too, so that things don't seem like such a big deal to me).

As for my list of goals from last week...ha! Not doing so well on those either!

1. Stop drinking soda (not yet...still having 1 a day)
2. Drink 7 glasses of water a day (no, usually around 5-6 glasses)
3. Plan & eat healthier dinners to include more salmon, chicken, turkey, & veggies/fruits
(not yet)
4. Continue to replace snacky food with fruits/veggies while at work (hit & miss depending on the day)
5. Make & drink ice tea (& green tea) w/ Splenda instead of sugary drinks & soda. (not yet)
6. Remember to take multi-vitamin every night (yes!)
7. Continue to exercise every week day morning (like I have been for the last few months) (yes!)
8. Re-write & follow FLY routines (morning & before bed routines & basic weekly plan) (yes!)
9. Work on my patience with Brendan, Adam, & Joe! (work in progress)

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